| Thi' Captain Spake |
Jabb'r: The Joke Thread |
's many 's 4091 answ'rs
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Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I'm entering" says Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how did you do?"
'Could there be any doubt??? First Place, of course" says Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine"
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they ask.
"3rd place....Who the **** are Rishi Sunak and Keir Starmer?" asks Pinocchio
(please feel free to copy and substitute any politicians in your area.....)
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Why do witches not wear panties ... ?!
To get a grip ... ;)
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I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
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Did you know how to create web apps? *poof*
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A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband, and says, "I shaved down there; you know what that means."
The husband responds, "Yeah, the drain is clogged."
How is playing bridge similar to sex?
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."
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Bloke wakes up with a raging hangover after a good night out and walks into the kitchen to find his wife happily cooking him a full breakfast...
Puzzled he asks his son "What happened last night??"
His son replied "You staggered out of a taxi, fell thru the gate and broke it, pi$$ed on the roses, kicked the door in as you couldn't work your key and fell and broke the coffee table"
The bloke said " Jeez... why is she in such a good mood then??"
Son replied " She tried to get you undressed but when she loosened your trouser belt you slapped her hand away and shouted "Leave me alone I am a married man"
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I wrote this one the other day - keen to hear thoughts:
A woman applies for a loan from 'The Big Cat Mortgage Advisors' - just before she signs, the Lion advisor reminds her that if she misses even a single payment, he will personally come to the house to eat her and her family.
To which the woman replies, "Why the big clause?"
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Being honest, Martin, just a little chuckle.
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Quote ( Alan Snyder @ April 19th 2024,14:52:04 )
Being honest, Martin, just a little chuckle.
I'll take it!
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How do you make a tissue dance?
Answer: You put a little boogey in it.
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Why was Cinderella so bad at football?
She kept running away from the ball.
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