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Тема: The Joke Thread |
4091 отговори
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A doctor says to his patient: " I hope your as positive as these test results"
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A doctor says to his patient: " When I was young my father used to tell me a picture is worth a thousand words" (The Doctor turns around to look at the X-Ray) But this one just says "you screwed"
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#152 публикувано 22 Юли 2009 г. 18:07:06
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A ten year old girl rushes to her grandmother and asks her, “Can I be pregnant?"
Grandmother, "Are you fooling. You can not be pregnant. Go and play out side."
The girl then goes to grandfather and asks him the same question and the reply also is the same.
The girl goes to her father with the same question and gets a slap on her face with a same reply.
Finally she goes to her mother and asks her, “Mama, Can I be pregnant?"
Mama shouts at her “You madcap. You fool. You can not. Don't even think like that."
Girl comes out of her building to meet her twelve year old boy-friend and shouts at him, “See every body has confirmed that I can not be pregnant. There is nothing to worry. You always worry unnecessarily. Come let us **** "
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#153 публикувано 22 Юли 2009 г. 18:46:03
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The husband returns home from the office. He kisses his wife, then spots the cat. Horrified he asks what happened to the cats fur?
His wife replied, "You told me to shave the pussy and there it is."
and another one:
Once in a quizshow. There were an Australian and a priest competing against each other. Their scores were equal, so they had to create a verse about "Timbuktu".
The priest began:
"I was a father, all my life,
had no children, had no wife.
I read the Bible, through and through.
On my way to Timbuktu."
Then the Australian told his version:
"When Tim and I to Brisbane went,
we met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
so I booked one and Tim booked two!"
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#155 публикувано 24 Юли 2009 г. 22:50:06
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the biggest joke - Michael Schuumacher
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#156 публикувано 24 Юли 2009 г. 23:25:39
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NASA is about to launch the first manned flight to Mars and a commitee is reviewing candidates from all over the world to lead the mission.
A German comes in first, presents his credentials and asks for 1 million dollars as payment in order to secure his family's future in case of a mishap.
Then a French comes in, presents his credentials and asks for 1
million dollars for his family and another million for his lover.
Finally the Greek guy has no credentials at all and asks for 3 million dollars. One for himself, one to bribe the commitee and one to pay the German to lead the mission.
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#157 публикувано 24 Юли 2009 г. 23:49:20
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Quote ( Dimitris Lotsis @ July 24th 2009,23:25:39 )
NASA is about to launch the first manned flight to Mars and a commitee is reviewing candidates from all over the world to lead the mission.
A German comes in first, presents his credentials and asks for 1 million dollars as payment in order to secure his family's future in case of a mishap.
Then a French comes in, presents his credentials and asks for 1
million dollars for his family and another million for his lover.
Finally the Greek guy has no credentials at all and asks for 3 million dollars. One for himself, one to bribe the commitee and one to pay the German to lead the mission.
WoW bad
Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 24th 2009,22:50:06 )
the biggest joke - Michael Schuumacher
Yep Jealous
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#158 публикувано 24 Юли 2009 г. 23:59:42
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A man walks into a bar, *ouch*!
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#159 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:08:00
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Quote ( Philip Webb @ July 24th 2009,23:59:42 )
A man walks into a bar, *ouch*!
Was the guid dog ordered to stay out side ?
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#160 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:10:13
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Quote ( Joe Walker @ March 28th 2008,21:33:06 )
Q: What makes 9 out of 10 people happy?
A: Gang rape
An old quote from this one but LMFAOOOOOOOO
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#161 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:11:05
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I think that is disgusting
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#162 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:16:20
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Disgusting yes but i have a warped sense of humour.
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maybe I told it already, but I will now:
A man brings his car for the 3rd time in 2 weeks to the garage with a broken gearbox.
The mechanic, which already repaired the car the last 2 times, says:
"I don't understand at all how this can happen."
The man says: "Me too. I can't imagine what is wrong. I shift from 1st gear into 2nd, after it up into 3rd, then 4th.
Then again, 5th and 6th.
And finally, I shift into "R", the Rally-Gear!!!"
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#164 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:20:57
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Quote ( John Terry @ July 25th 2009,00:16:20 )
Disgusting yes but i have a warped sense of humour.
Yes but that is really sick on so many levels.
Quote ( David Jundt @ July 25th 2009,00:17:55 )
Then again, 5th and 6th.
And finally, I shift into "R", the Rally-Gear!!!"
LOL Rally gear :) i'd be lucky with a 6th gear now lol.
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#165 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 00:21:05
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It's Sherlock Holmes and Watson and they decided to go to camp at mountain. Then at midnight, Sherlock wakes up and ask Watson: Watson, look at the sky an tell me what can you see.
Then Watson looks at skay an tells him: Astronomically, i can see a lot of Planets and Stars, Chronologically, it's aproximately 2 o'Clock a.m. , and the wheater could be good tomorrow...
Then Sherlock answered him: Watson, you're idiot, don't you see that someone stole our tend??
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Actually, why do we have two threads on small jokes ?
-> see /forum/ViewTopic.asp?Highlight=mice&TopicId=2111
Now that some of you started quoting old jokes in here anyway, let me quote some from that topic as well.
PART 1 :
Quote ( Gunter Bosman @ May 7th 2007,23:24:12 )
Q : If you put 5 emotionally down people in a room, what happens ?
A : One of them dies, because he'll be the only one without a corner to sit and cry in.
Quote ( Mark Webster @ May 11th 2007,01:19:04 )
Q : What's the difference between a Porsche and BBC Reporter Alan Johnston?
A : I don't have a Porsche in my garage...
Quote ( Jos Roestenberg @ May 11th 2007,12:46:46 )
Q: What's blond and intelligent?
A: A Golden Retriever!
Quote ( Juho Ahveninen @ May 12th 2007,01:35:37 )
-> A guy dials 112 and is clearly very upset. The operator asks him what's wrong and the guy starts to rant: "We're here hunting with my friend, I saw a deer and I shot but I missed and I hit him and I think he's dead!"
-> The operator tries to calm the man down: "Ok, first you have to relax and make sure your friend really is dead. Then get back for further instructions"
-> *BLAM*
-> "Ok, he's dead, now what?"
Quote ( Corey Jarvis @ May 12th 2007,12:37:51 )
A guy walks into a bar and orders 5 shots of scotch.
The bartender asks "jeez, mate, what are you celebrating for?"
The guy replies "I just had my first blowjob".
The bartender then says "Oh congrats, in that case have the 6th on the house."
The guy says "thanks, I gotta get the taste out of my mouth"
Quote ( Ulf Gunnarsson @ May 12th 2007,20:24:32 )
Car owner talking to the mechanic:
Have you been able to start my car yet?
No, your battery is flat.
Oh dear, what shape should it be?
Quote ( Ulf Gunnarsson @ May 12th 2007,20:24:32 )
* 100,000 Lemmings can't be wrong!
* 100,000 sperm and You were the fastest?
* 43% of all statistics are useless
* A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a hammer.
* A friend in need is a pain in the ass!
Quote ( Juho Ahveninen @ May 13th 2007,01:17:12 )
A scotsman walked by a bar.
Quote ( Petras Ražanskas @ May 14th 2007,13:26:14 )
Stop argueing, start fighting. It's getting boring :-)
Quote ( Petras Ražanskas @ May 14th 2007,18:11:40 )
A bear and a rabbit were shitting in the woods. The bear turned to rabbit:
- Mister, do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?
- No, never.
And the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Quote ( Pierre Wulf @ May 15th 2007,15:57:35 )
-Doc i can´t stop singing the green green grass of home.!
-That sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome to me.
-Is it common?
-Well it´s not unusual.
Quote ( Sven Vehent @ May 16th 2007,18:05:06 )
-> A guy comes home from work. In the hallway there's a suitcase. So he calls his wife and asks her what she is up to.
-> She answers: "I'm going to Amsterdam, I heard that I can earn 75 euros over there for every time I have sex with someone. Why stay here and give it to you for free, when I can make money over there?"
-> The guy immediately starts laughing, runs up the stairs and returns with a suitcase.
-> His wife asks: "And what are you up to?"
-> He answers: "I'm going with you to Amsterdam. I want to see how you are going to cope with 150 euros per month!"
Quote ( Dylan Edwards @ May 16th 2007,20:46:17 )
Q - Why cant barbie ever get pregnant??
A - Because Ken always comes in another box!! (a bit o' blue fo dads!)
Quote ( Gunter Bosman @ May 18th 2007,13:39:38 )
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is incest ?"
He replies mad: "Shut up and keep sucking !"
Quote ( Marcelo Michelini @ September 18th 2007,04:28:31 )
- two years ago my uncle ran for senator campaign
- what does he do now?
- nothing, he got elected
Quote ( Jack Wemyss @ May 8th 2008,17:58:34 )
One atom said to another
"Ive lost an Electron!"
and the other said "are you sure"
the first electron said "I'm positive!"
Quote ( Maarten Verhulst @ May 8th 2008,19:22:51 )
A sniper comes home from work and said to his wife: "Hi honey, I missed you today!"
I most of all like short jokes, by the way.
So I won't even try to read the one in reply #174 in that topic. :o)
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PART 2 of my "best of" selection from that other topic :
Quote ( Gunter Bosman @ June 14th 2008,21:50:14 )
Q1 : 10 women are standing under an umbrella. Though, not a single one of them gets wet. How come ?
Q2 : Aunt Beth has a cheese shop. She's 35, is 1,70 m tall, has three kids, celebrates her birthday on December 25 and is weighing twice as much as when she still was 14 years old. What is she weighing now ?
Q3 : A woman shoots her man, then holds him 5 minutes under water and finally she hangs him. But still, half an hour later they're watching a movie together. How is this possible ?
Answers : see below
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- My wife has made me a millionaire.
- Nice. How did you find such a woman ?
- Just hard luck, I guess.
- Huh ? What do you mean, bad luck ?
- Before I met her, I was a multimillionaire !
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The best way to stay slim :
Eating loads of things you don't like.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A very curious wife is searching her husband's papers from the bank. When he comes home, she's welcoming him with a lot of admiration :
- "Hey hubby. Whay a social, sweet man you are, giving away a nice amount each month, to some moslim family that probably can take good use of it."
- "What do you mean ?", her husband asks.
- "Well, I saw that each month you spend 200 euros on Ali Mentation !"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
At a certain government building, mices are eating the archives. One of the employees is forced to solve the problem, so he buys a cat. The situation is approving immediately, and within a few weeks, the problem is totally solved. Though, some months later, the mices are back and kicking ! So the big boss calls the employee in his office and asks him about the reason for this. His answer : "All went well, until the cat could sign a contract indefinite in time."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A man sees a video camera with a sign "your money back when it's not good". The man decides to buy the camera, with the knowledge he can always bring it back in case it wouldn't work. And indeed, the camera isn't working very well at all. The images are always blurry and the contrast is far from decent. So he goes back to the shop, delivers the camera and asks his money back.
- "Not possible", said the salesman.
- "But it's written on the sign !", the man protested.
- "Then read it again very carefully", the salesman replies. It says : "your money back when it's not good, but your money wasn't counterfeit at all so we decided to keep it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Questions : see up
A1 : Because it isn't raining !
A2 : A lot of cheese.
A3 : The woman is a photographer.
Quote ( Lukas Jonaitis @ November 28th 2008,19:33:10 )
-Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
-When did you first notice this problem?
-What problem?
Quote ( Laila Britāle @ November 29th 2008,13:52:06 )
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant
Quote ( Lukas Jonaitis @ November 30th 2008,00:05:54 )
- Name?
- Lukas Jonaitis.
- Sex?
- Ten times a week.
- I mean: male or female?
- Doesn''t matter...
Quote ( Jens Ankjær @ November 30th 2008,01:39:28 )
How I lost my drivers' license...
-> I was driving home from work one late evening, when this motorcycle cop pulled me over. He told me to step out of the car, because he suspected that I had been drinking.
-> "I assure you, sir, that I am sober - I haven't touched a drop" I said and handed him my drivers license.
-> "Ok, I'll test you" he said. "You're driving at night. Two headlights are approaching you, what are they?"
"Obviously a car" I said.
"Yes. obviously. But is it a Mercedes, BMW or Audi" he asked
"I haven't got a clue!" I said.
"You're drunk!!" Said the policeman
"Absolutely not!" I replied.
-> "Ok, I put you to another test" said the cop. "You're still driving at night. A single headlight is coming towards you. What is is?"
"It would be a motorbike" I said
"Of course! But which kind? A Honda, Kawasaki or Harley?"
"How should I know? I can't tell!!" I said
"You're drunk!" Stated the policeman.
-> By now I was getting a little annoyed with the policeman so I decided to test him instead
"Picture this" I told him, "You're on patrol. On the sidewalk stands this lady. She's wearing very short mini-skirt, fishnet-stockings and very high-heeled boots. Who is she?"
"Obviously a whore" said the cop.
"Yes, I know. Only question is; Is she your wife, your mother or your daughter?"
Haven't seen my drivers license since...
Quote ( Jan Zaluski @ June 3rd 2009,18:20:58 )
your moma's so fat she wouldnt fit into my ignorelist
Quote ( Aran Shergill @ June 3rd 2009,18:22:42 )
Q : How do you get a obese person out of bed
A : Piece of cake
Quote ( Gordon Ashford @ June 3rd 2009,18:25:13 )
Q1 : Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A1 : Because it was dead
Q2 : Why did the second mokey fall out of the tree?
A2 : It was stapled to the first one
Q3 : Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
A3 : He thought it was a game.
Some longer ones in this one.
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Allow me to add a few new ones as well :
- I can name 5 successive days without using Tuesday or Thursday.
- How 's that possible ?
- The day before yesterday, yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow.
In Hollywood :
- Hey, you remind me of someone !
- Doesn't surprise me, as I was your first husband.
For the ladies in here :
Q : How many men are required to change the toilet paper ?
A : Nobody knows, as so far it has never happened.
Q : Why doesn't Saint Nicolas like to visit a Mosque ?
A : Too many shoes get put there !
The office worker had a little accident and had to see the doctor.
The accountant suddenly got kidney complaints.
And the front office manager had to attend a funeral.
When they were all gone, the boss turned to his assistant :
"Let's go, Marc. We're also going to watch England-Scotland."
- Doctor, I've got a weird deviation : I only have 50% of my hearing left, lately.
- Isn't possible, but I'll test it. Repeat me : "forty-four".
- "twenty-two".
Showbusiness : It's not about what you are, but what they think you are.
- Daddy, how was Adam's mother-in-law called ?
- Adam didn't have one, he lived in paradise.
- And how are Chris & Sara doing ?
- Oh, very well. He has nothing, she has nothing and now they promise each other to share everything for the rest of their lives.
Two street workers are very busy placing a board saying "Enough is enough, we're on a strike."
Suddenly their colleague comes running towards them, yelling :
"Stop working, the strike is over !"
Artist : "I would like to donate all my art works to some institute."
Art critic : "May I suggest an institute for blind people ?"
And here's our top three of fastest ways to spread a message.
On 3rd spot : The internet.
On 2nd spot : The telephone.
And on 1 : Tellawoman !
Nostalgia :
Two flies are sitting on a bald man's head.
Says one of them : "Can you remember that we used to play hide in seek here ?"
- Teacher : Why are you too late ?
- Boy : Can't help it, sir. Our house burned down.
- Teacher : But yesterday you were late as well. How come ?
- Boy : Because then we already brought our car to some safe place, sir.
A professional athlete is brought into hospital.
"Oh my God, you've got 40 degrees fever", the doctor says.
"Oh, is that a new record ?" the athlete asks with a lot of enthusiasm.
- Do you think advertisements get read at all ?
- Pretty sure of that. Recently we placed an advertisement saying we're looking for a new night guard. And two days later the whole store was empty.
Tourist : How much is the speed limit here ?
Local : We don't have. Strangers can't pass fast enough !
- For 18 years, my wife and I have been extremely happy.
- Oh, what happened then ?
- Well, we got to meet each other.
- Doctor, I've got loads of pain here.
- That's your liver. What are you drinking ?
- Doesn't matter. Whatever you got, doc.
and last one for today :
In a monastery where speaking is out of order, there's just this exception : each 10 years all monks are allowed to speak up to 3 words.
After 10 years, a certain monk says "bed too hard".
Another 10 years later, the same monk says "food not eatable".
Again 10 years later : "I am leaving".
So the abbot replies : "Doesn't surprise me. All you do is whine and complain !"
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#169 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 02:32:08
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#170 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 06:55:58
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Quote ( Andy Arazusta @ July 24th 2009,23:49:20 )
Yep Jealous
hah! me jealous of Schumacher!
two words - Fernando Alonso
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#172 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 07:01:17
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Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 25th 2009,06:56:42 )
Alonso is the WOman
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#173 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 07:04:20
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Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 25th 2009,06:56:42 )
Alonso is the man Quote ( Richie Gervais @ July 25th 2009,07:01:17 )
Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 25th 2009,06:56:42 )
Alonso is the WOman
Richie.. the Joke there was, Alonso Was the man... Its... the joke..
Unless your actually trying a double negative?
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#174 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 07:09:36
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Quote ( Jonathan Maclean @ July 25th 2009,07:04:20 )
Alonso is the WOman
I am a Lewis Hamilton fan. I just like that Alonso ended Schumacher's reign
Michael Schumacher=(cheater...cough...cheater)
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Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 25th 2009,07:09:36 )
Quote ( Jonathan Maclean @ July 25th 2009,07:04:20 )
Alonso is the WOman
(cough i didnt say that, i quoted it please referr to the original quote..... cough)
Btw: That was an EPIC Cough =D
And... Were going off topic.
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Schumacher is still a cheater
my original post was that the joke is Michael Schumacher
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#177 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 12:38:34
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There are always guys bullshitting in what should have stayed a serious topic (even though it's about jokes).
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#178 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 12:44:58
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Quote ( David Fetterolf Jr @ July 25th 2009,07:15:33 )
Schumacher is still a cheater
my original post was that the joke is Michael Schumacher
this is a 'Funniest joke'-therad. You neither are funny, nor are your cheat and conspiracy and else theories a joke. You are certainly at the wrong place to piss around. Bye.
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#179 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 12:50:36
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Michael Jackson didn't die of a heart-attack in his California mansion, he was found in a childrens hospital having a stroke.
The rumours of Michael Jackson being buried have been found to be untrue. The Jackson family have decided to put his skin to good use as a carrier bag. They feel this will able him to continue in death what he was in life; white, plastic and dangerous for children to play with alone.
There were plans of MJ's body being buried at sea, but people thought it a bad idea as he might get caught in a buoy.
It seems i only know MJ jokes :(
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#180 публикувано 25 Юли 2009 г. 12:52:36
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Due to the fact that Michael Jackson is 99% plastic, he will be melted down into lego blocks so little kids can play with him for a change.
such an old one, but I still like it :D
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