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Tópico: The Joke Thread |
4091 respostas
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Zandvoort hosting F1 races from 2020
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What's the difference between a ginger and a brick?
A brick can get laid
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Quote ( Richard Robin Paukson @ May 14th 2019,14:27:13 ) Such an old joke. Please think of something original.
Okay... YOUR LIFE
:)
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A man is incomplete until he is married..........then he is finished!
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A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says "We dont serve food in here".
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather puzzled as he just cannot remember where he knows her from.
So he asks: "Do you know me?"
To which she replies:"I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now he tries to remember the only time he has been unfaithful to his wife and says:
"Hold on, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies cheering and your partner licking the whipped cream of my hairy chest?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly:
"No, I'm your son's teacher."
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J: Hey there, how was your weekend?
B: Well, actually I got a little sick.
J: Oh really? I'm sorry to hear that.
B: Yeah Bullets Over Broadway was on TV, and I came down with a big ol' Dianne Wiest infection
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B: Like yeast
Credit to Brooklyn 99
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#3668 Postado 22 Mai 2019, 17:29:17 (editado pela última vêz 22 Mai 2019, 17:31:36 por Ivan Silva)
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When 3 people have sex its called a threesome.
When 2 people have sex its called a twosome.
Now i understand why they call you handsome.
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What does the egg say to the boiling water?
Its going to take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by some chick!
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Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Sam into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your uncle to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Sam. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose he's faking, do you?"
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Little Johnny goes into class .
The teacher asks,
" There are four crows sitting on the fence. A farmer shoots one. How many are left? "
Little Johnny immediately replys "none".
"No Johnny" replies the teacher. " Listen carefully, the farmer shoots one, how many are left ?"
"None" says Johnny, "One is shot the other three fly away".
"Well that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you are thinking"
"Can I ask you a question miss ?"
"Sure" says the teacher.
"Three woman are sitting in the park eating ice cream cones. One is licking, one is sucking and the other is biting her cone. Which one is married? "
"The one sucking her cone" says the teacher.
"No miss, you are wrong. The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think 😆"
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I was walking along the street the other day when i slipped in dog shit. A minute later some guy did exactly the same.
I said to him: "I just did that"
So he punched me in the face and called me a dirty bastard.
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Wanna ear a magic trick?
My girlfriend pointed a stick at me and made me dissapear.
It said "Positive"
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#3674 Postado 29 Mai 2019, 15:53:35 (editado pela última vêz 29 Mai 2019, 15:53:45 por Ivan Silva)
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A man goes to hospital with six horses up his butt
His condition has been described as stable.
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#3675 Postado 30 Mai 2019, 13:18:54 (editado pela última vêz 30 Mai 2019, 13:32:56 por Steven Hill)
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A man was seated next to a kid on an airplane. The man turned to the kid and said "let's talk".
Kid: Okay, what do we talk about?
Man ((making fun of the kid): How about nuclear power?
Kid: Interesting topic. But let me ask you a question...Horse, Cow & Deer all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, Cow flat patty and Horse clumps. Why?
Man: I don't know
Kid: Do you really feel qualified enough to discuss nuclear issues when you don't know shit??
Teach: If I gave you 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits and another 2. How many would you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits and another 2. How many would you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it differently. If I gave you 2 apples and another 2 apples and another 2. How many would you have?
Johnny: Six
Teacher: Good. Now, If I gave you 2 rabbits and another 2 rabbits and another 2. How many would you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Teacher: Where the F#*k, do you get seven from!?!?
Johnny: Because I have 1 at home!!!
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A wife is yelling at her husband, “Get out! I hate your guts!
So the husband packs up his things and walks out the door
As he is walking away his wife screams at him, “I hope you die a slow and painful death!
He suddenly stops and says, “Wait, so you want me to stay?”
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A fish swims into a concrete wall
"Dam"
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Whats the difference between a ginger and a shoe.
A shoe has a sole
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There are two parrots sitting on a perch
One of the parrots turns to the other and says "Can you smell fish?"
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Wrong thread OR screw you Cameron.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
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Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Me: “Hold on! I can explain everything!”
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Q) How much do dead batteries cost?
A) Nothing, they're free of charge.
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An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday
by staying overnight in a really nice hotel. When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00.
She demanded to know why the charge was so high. “I agree it’s a nice hotel, but the rooms aren’t worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn’t even have breakfast.”
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, and breakfast
had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”
“But I didn’t use them,” she said.
”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. “We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,” the Manager said.
“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.
“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I
didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.
After several minutes’ discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But madam, this cheque is for $50.00.”
“That’s correct I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.
“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.
“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”
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Q. What does a dyslexic Yorkshireman wear on his head?
A. A Cat Flap
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Romain Grosjean, Sebastian Vettel, Lewis Hamilton
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The owner of a drug store walked into his store one day, only to notice a man leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner went over to his staff member behind the counter and asked them, “What’s wrong with that guy over there by the wall?”
The staff member replied, “Oh him – he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find any cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative instead.”
The owner shouted, “You fool! What were you thinking? You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The staff member said, “Of course I can. Look at him, he’s not coughed once since I gave it to him – he’s too scared!”
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Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club.
Thank you all for coming.
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A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of breasts are there?”
The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”
The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”
The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”
The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”
The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”
The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”
The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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I guess someone doesn't like 'mothers'? I found it humorous.. but then I"m one in 8 billion.
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