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Tópico: The Joke Thread |
4084 respostas
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How to get to Heaven from Ireland
A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood
the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car,
had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"
"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, the answer was NO!
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"
Again, they all answered NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"
A little boy shouted out, "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."
It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?
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Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.
Next day he says: Today is a fine day.
Again next day, he says the same thing: Today is a fine day.
Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since last week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?
Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' :P
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A snail is crossing the road.
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
It takes about three months, give or take a few seconds.
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A new manager signed up to GPRO and posted 500 times within 3 months.
Not one post was a severe complaint about game mechanics.
What a tragedy.
;)
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I tried to change my email password to "brazil's defence". They told me it was too weak.
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Quote ( Gabi Damian @ July 13th 2014,11:36:50 ) I tried to change my email password to "brazil's defence". They told me it was too weak.
Not enough special characters in it. :)
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Quote ( Mehdi El Fathy @ July 13th 2014,20:10:35 ) .
Straight to the point.
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A termite walks into a bar, taps another customer on the shoulder and says "Is the bartender?"
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The termite in the bar joke got a thumbs up. I take that as a challenge to bust out with something even dumber. **Spoiler alert** This is just a huge setup to a bad pun. Here goes:
A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve you're type in my bar."
The piece of strings says OK, and leaves. Then comes back in a few hours later.
The bartender says "Hey, piece of string. I already told you you're not welcome here. Now LEAVE!"
The piece of strings says, OK and leaves. But he starts twisting himself up and tying himself into a ball, and pulling the chords apart at the ends of himself.
He walks straight back into the bar, and the bartender is irate.
"Look, this is the last time I'm going to go through this with you, buddy. Where are you?"
I'm in your bar, says the string.
"And what don't we serve in my bar?" the bartender asks.
"Pieces of string" answers the string.
"Well, aren't you a piece of string" The bartender yelled.
"Nope", says the string, "I'm afraid not."
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I ran that one past my wife. Even she giggled, thanks. :)
Guy walks into a bar.... on the counter is a jar full of $100 bills.
The bar tender explains that it is a challenge.
1. You must drink a pitcher full of tequila.
2. You have to go outside and extract a painful tooth from the 175 pound angry Husky.
3. You have to go upstairs and get it on with his 80 year old grandmother.
You win the jar full of money!
He thinks about it. Okay! Drops his hundred in the jar. He drinks the tequila and heads outside. From inside the bar, you hear barking and growling, screaming and whining and and all kinds of mean and nasty sounds.
Guy staggers back into the bar, shirt torn just a bloody mess. He looks at the bartender and says...
Where`s that old lady with the bad tooth......
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Ha!
How did the golfer break his leg?
He fell off the ball-washer.
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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
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Representatives of several nations met in a restaurant. All requested a glass of wine, but when they brought the wine, there was a fly in each glass.
- the German asked for another wine in the same glass.
- the Englishman asked for new wine in new glass.
- the Finn pulled the fly out and drank wine.
- the Russian drank the wine and the fly as well.
- the Chinese ate the fly, but didn't drink the wine.
- the Jew caught the fly and sold it to the Chinese
- the Romanian drank three-quarters of the glass and asked for a new wine.
- the Norwegian caught the fly and he went fishing.
- the Irishman chopped the fly and sent the glass to the Englishman.
- the American sued the restaurant and demanded 65 million dollars damages.
- the Scotsman grabbed the fly by the throat and said: - Right now, spit all you drank!
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That's just top class, mate. My entire household is laughing with tears. :)
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A group of feminists are protesting in front of the White House:
- Free women now! Free women now!
A man passsing-by asks:
- Can I have one?
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Went to my Indian neighbour and asked him if he had any bread.
He said he had naan.
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Which side of the dog has more hair?
The outside!
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Jesus owned a Honda but never spoke of it,
"For I did not speak of my own Accord" - John 12:49
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"Alex Salmond" and "politics" in general.
This is the joke thread right?
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-snip-
this'll get far too political.
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No matter how hard you try...
you will never get a politician to stop talking..
out of the side of his mouth or hole in his head.
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?
Nothing. They were both stuck up bitches.
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I'm just glad the referendum is over after all the years of campaigning. All this Scotland doing their own thing all the time was starting to get out of hand. I mean at one point they wouldn't even come to the World Cup with us.
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Quote ( Phil Maunder @ September 19th 2014,19:26:28 ) I'm just glad the referendum is over after all the years of campaigning. All this Scotland doing their own thing all the time was starting to get out of hand. I mean at one point they wouldn't even come to the World Cup with us.
I bet they're glad that you've decided to sit them out with them.
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Well let's not argue. Let's just all if us put the past behind & all go to Euro2016 together
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Our toughest match is out of the way.
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A man survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now a seasoned veteran!
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A biologist, chemist, and statistician are all out hunting when they see a deer. The biologist takes aim but misses horribly, about 5 feet to the left of the deer. The deer is so startled that he doesn't move. The chemist then takes aim and also misses badly, but this time 5 feet to the right of the deer. The statistician then yells "Got him!"
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This one is for all you GPro programmers:
Q: Why do most Java developpers wear glasses ?
A: Because they don't C# !!
Please don't kill my driver in the next race :-)
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