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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4091 replies
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I cannot moderate myself at all. It’s either I don’t take my meds, or I take the entire bottle.
Decisions decisions…
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_____________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_____________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me
for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets
and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that
I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.
So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”
And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”
So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.
So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”
And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”
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Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because i put the wrong socks on this morning
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A man was lying in bed, with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his balls, because it was something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned & asked her,
"Why do you love doing that so much ?"
"Because", she replied, "I really miss mine"
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Autobiographical, Andrew? :)
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Bloke having a "meet the parents" meal with his new girlfriend. Going as bad as possible...15 minutes in she signals him to come outside to the garden
"Why are you being such a pratt?? You know how much I have wanted you to meet my parents but all you have done all night long is stare at your shoes and make incoherent grunts... What IS the matter"
Bloke sighs "I stopped off at the chemist earlier..... bought some condoms..... had a bit of banter with the cashier ... told her I was on for a guaranteed **** tonight"
GF replies "Well you might have been but not if you behave like this... Anyway what's that to do with anything"
Bloke sighs again... " Your Mum was the cashier..."
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What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
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Doctors Visit
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical
activity level.
I described a typical day this way: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I
took a five hour walk about 7 km through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge
of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I
avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks'
behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I
drank eight beers."
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."
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A Guinness brewery workertravels to the home of his co-worker
I sorry Mary but Keith died at the brewery today.
Oh my god replied Mary, what Happened.
He drowned in a Vat of Guinness said the ,worker sadly
Thats terrible, was it a quick death at least said Mary.
I afraid not replied the worker, he go out twice to take a piss.
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Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and
St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven
at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the
poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as
it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea.
Longfellow:
I see the sea, I see the shore,
I hear the mighty ocean roar.
Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue.
Their destination: Timbuktu.
(OK, so Longfellow is a little weak in geography)
Nash:
Tim and me, to sea we went,
Spied three women in a tent.
Since they were three, and we but two,
I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.
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Princess Diana and Dolly Parton arrived a little later in front of St. Peter.
St. Peter had no room for 2 more beautiful women. In order to decide who was to enter, each would have to provide the best Poker hand they possessed.
Dolly springs up and gives her self a shake, goes to ST. Peter. "Aren't these the best Pair?"
Then Princess Diana, calmly walks up, leans in and opens her purse. St. Peter declares her, the winner and opens the Gate.
Why? asks Dolly. St. Peter explains... the Princess showed me her 'personal privates' wash...
and everybody knows a Royal Flush beats a Pair.
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking.
How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That's a pretty long time to perform.
How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said,
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years?
Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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I don't trust stairs - they're always up to something.
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Quote ( Steve Dawson @ August 24th 2020,12:19:56 ) I don't trust stairs - they're always up to something.
What? My stairs only have the down syndrome.
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I had a dog called Syndrome. I was always telling him "Down, Syndrome."
I also had a dog called Carpenter. He was always doing odd jobs around the back yard.
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Quote ( Steve Dawson @ August 24th 2020,15:03:11 ) dog called Carpenter. He was always doing odd jobs around the back yard
??? sorry, i am not catching it....
can somebody help me ... ???
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Just got sacked from my job as a Fortune Teller. They said I only ever predicted bad weather
Was not my fault... turns out the crystal ball I got was a snow globe..
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Quote ( Nenad Bošnjak @ August 24th 2020,15:25:20 ) Quote ( Steve Dawson @ August 24th 2020,15:03:11 )
dog called Carpenter. He was always doing odd jobs around the back yard
??? sorry, i am not catching it....
can somebody help me ... ???
doing odd jobs = taking a sh1t....
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Bloke goes in to get unemployment benefits:
Why are you unemployed ? What is your occupation ?
Burglar.
So why are you unemployed ?
Because everyone is at home due to the COVID 19 Crap.
OK, your next payment will be .............
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An Argentine was making love with his girlfriend when she says:
- Oh my God!
And he responds:
- Well chubby, in privacy you can call me Cacho
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Boy to father: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?"
Father: "No sun."
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Quote ( Steve Dawson @ August 24th 2020,12:19:56 ) I don't trust stairs - they're always up to something.
Well, that escalated quickly!
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In the corner of a local bar a pianist is entertaining the patrons and his pet monkey is dancing to the tunes.
A man walks in, buys a beer, places his drink on the bar and leans back enjoying the music.
When he turns to pick up his beer he finds that the monkey has danced along the bar and has flopped his balls into the glass. He cuffs the monkey around the ear, buys another beer and settles back to listen again.
Once more when he turns to his drink, there is the monkey with its balls dunked in the guy’s beer.
He picks the monkey up by the scruff of the neck, walks over and slams the monkey down on the piano, saying “Do you know your monkey is dangling his balls in my beer?”
The pianist says “No, hum a few bars and I will see if I can pick it up!”
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I had great fun at the works disco
I twisted when they played The Twist
I bumped when they played The Bump
I got thrown out when they played Come On Eileen
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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.The librarian said : "Fuck off,you won't bring it back."
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Quote ( Petr Valíček @ November 10th 2020,11:59:54 ) A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.The librarian said : "Fuck off,you won't bring it back."
He may do that in the library :)
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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot and asked the owner if she could buy it. The owner said, “Heck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me – you do not want that parrot!”
She said, “I can teach it good manners.”
But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.
She took it out and said, “Did you learn your lesson?” It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds. She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.
The parrot said “Brr… Yes I learned my lesson, but, what did the chicken do?”
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In the Emergency Room. Doctor comes in and and says to the blonde patient
"Sorry to keep you. we are just waiting for your X-Ray"
Blonde: "But I've never dated anyone called Ray"
Doctor: " And we might do a brain scan..."
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