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Author Topic: The Joke Thread 3746 replies
Steve Dawson
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Old post #3721 posted Oct 15th 2019, 13:00:55 Quote 
A teacher was asking her students what they did last weekend.

Mary replied that she went to the beach with her family and built sand-castles.
"How wonderful!" replied the teacher.

Jenny said that she went to the movies with her family and then went out for tea afterwards.
"That must have been quite a day!" the teacher observed.

Johnny said that he went down to the local creek with his brother to catch frogs. "We stuck fire-crackers up their arses and blew them to the shithouse!" he said.
"Johnny!" the teacher said, horrified. "Rectum, Johnny. Rectum"
"Sure did, miss." Johnny replied.
Michael Jones
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Old post #3722 posted Oct 15th 2019, 14:33:31 (last edited Oct 15th 2019, 14:37:28 by Michael Jones) Quote 
A Refuse bin man goes to a Chinese restaurant and says to the owner wheres your bin.

He says I bin to Hong Kong.

The bin man says no, wheres your wheelie bin?

He says I wheelie bin to Hong Kong.
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Paddy is in the canal a man says what are you doing in the canal,

Paddy says I got some tablets from the doctor and it says on the box take three times a day in water.

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Paddy was telling Murphy that he was going down to the dogs rescue centre and thinking of choosing a Labrador because of their gentle nature.

Murphy said "I wouldn't do that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
Ignacio Marino
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Old post #3723 posted Oct 15th 2019, 16:32:46 Quote 
Velcro? What a rip-off!

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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
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Martynas Bražėnas
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Old post #3724 posted Oct 24th 2019, 12:33:16 Quote 
Mic walks into his bedroom and sees Kirst packing a suitcase.

He asks, “What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”

Later that night, on her way out, Kirst walks into the bedroom and sees Mic packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,

“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
Shaun Thornton
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Old post #3725 posted Oct 24th 2019, 15:06:24 Quote 
I was shopping with the missis the other day.
i picked up a crate of 24 cans of Stella Artois and was about to put in the trolley when she said, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“it’s on offer 24 cans for £10”, I replied.
”put them back we can’t afford it” was her answer, so I did.
A few aisles on and she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
”what are you doing, what’s that for?” I asked.
“ it’s face cream it makes me look beautiful” was her reply.
So I said “ so does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the price!!!!”


Tom Byrne
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Old post #3726 posted Oct 24th 2019, 15:37:14 Quote 
I don't have a joke. I just have an Australian profile pic.
Steve Dawson
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Old post #3727 posted Oct 29th 2019, 07:45:45 (last edited Oct 29th 2019, 07:47:59 by Steve Dawson) Quote 
A youth starts a new job at the local Costco store and his boss watches as he makes his first sale (a claw hammer). After the customer leaves, his boss explains the benefit of add-on selling. "You should have suggested a nail bag or offered to show him our range of nails. Watch me." he says to the youth.

The next customer comes in and orders some paint so the boss talks to him about the range of paint brushes they have in stock, the different types of masking tapes, drop-sheets and on he goes, selling an extra couple of hundred dollars worth of bits and pieces to go with the paint.

The youth thinks he has the right idea, so when a bloke comes in and asks for a packet of tampons, the youth suggests that he should also buy a lawn mower, a rake and a petrol can.

"Why would I buy those things?" the customer asks.

"Well," the youth says. "your weekend's stuffed, so you might as well mow the lawns!"
Michael Jones
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Old post #3728 posted Oct 29th 2019, 14:17:26 Quote 
A priest and a Nepalese monk were having toast for breakfast and sudddenly the priest says

"Look theres an image of Jesus in my margerine".

The monk says "I can't believe its not Budda"
Ignacio Marino
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Old post #3729 posted Oct 29th 2019, 15:37:03 Quote 
Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
Shaun Thornton
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Old post #3730 posted Nov 3rd 2019, 19:51:00 Quote 
Blew it in the pub quiz last night, got right up to the tie break question which was.
"Where do women have the curliest hair?"

apparently the correct answer is "Fiji"
Shersh Khandelwal
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Old post #3731 posted Nov 22nd 2019, 08:35:37 Quote 
What did one hat say to the other?
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You stay here. I’ll go on a-head :p
Roy Mitchell
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Old post #3732 posted Nov 22nd 2019, 18:13:39 Quote 
and the other 'felt' bad.
Pat Madigan
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Old post #3733 posted Nov 22nd 2019, 22:30:02 Quote 
went to the store and bought some condoms, went to the counter to pay and the clerk says 'do you want a bag?'

I said, 'no thanks, she's not that ugly'...
Steve Dawson
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Old post #3734 posted Dec 13th 2019, 13:00:58 Quote 
Two cows were standing in a paddock.
One of them says "Moo!"
The other one says "Damn, I was just about to say that."

James Keeble
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Old post #3735 posted Dec 13th 2019, 16:33:07 Quote 
labour
Steven Hill
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Old post #3736 posted Dec 30th 2019, 09:44:50 Quote 
Breaking News!!!!

A man addicted to break fluid.... says he can stop anytime he wants......
Martynas Bražėnas
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Old post #3737 posted Dec 30th 2019, 10:31:51 Quote 
What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?
HDMI
Roy Mitchell
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Old post #3738 posted Jan 3rd 2020, 18:47:19 Quote 
I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot

Just heard that in 2020 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol

I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

Hope you smiled... :)

Mikie Shaw
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Old post #3739 posted Jan 3rd 2020, 23:23:39 Quote 
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward,they'd still be on the boat! :P

Andrew Jones
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Old post #3740 posted Jan 4th 2020, 05:19:26 (last edited Jan 4th 2020, 05:21:38 by Andrew Jones) Quote 
little african american boy, (indian) says to his father, "how did i get my name?""well"said his father, ïs the tradition of out tribe, when a baby is born, the father leaves the teepee and names the baby after the first sight he sees. hence your sister running deer, and brother storm cloud. but tell me two dogs farcking, why do you ask?"))
Steven Hill
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Old post #3741 posted Jan 4th 2020, 06:29:19 (last edited Jan 4th 2020, 06:29:42 by Steven Hill) Quote 
Quote ( Andrew Jones @ January 4th 2020,05:19:26 )

little african american boy, (indian)

I'd say Native American Indian, wouldn't you :)
Roy Mitchell
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Old post #3742 posted Jan 5th 2020, 00:02:11 Quote 
You might be a redneck if. .

You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
Andrew Jones
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Old post #3743 posted Jan 5th 2020, 00:39:30 Quote 
man asks a priest at a mixed catholic school where he is thinking about sending his boy, starting secondary school, "tell me father, how do you segregate the sexes?" "well", the priest replies, "ïf you must know, we usually prise them apart with a crow bar" hehehheheh
Roy Mitchell
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Old post #3744 posted Jan 5th 2020, 01:02:08 (last edited Jan 5th 2020, 01:04:28 by Roy Mitchell) Quote 
Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?

A: She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.


What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell because she's got a grenade in her mouth
Steven Hill
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Old post #3745 posted Jan 16th 2020, 09:46:52 Quote 
I just met a woman outside of Kmart crying because she had lost $200.00 dollars.

So I gave her $40.00 from the $200.00 I had just found.

When God blesses you, you must bless others.

Roy Mitchell
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Old post #3746 posted Jan 17th 2020, 01:16:59 Quote 
Kate: “Darling, I really think it’s time we got another baby.”

William: “Oh I’m quite relieved you said that. The one we have is a real pain in the neck!”
Steven Hill
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Old post #3747 posted Feb 13th 2020, 11:48:46 Quote 
Best Knock Knock joke Ever!!

Three brothers aged 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts a foot in and pauses. He yells downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see". He starts up the stairs and pauses, then yells. "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?".

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful".

He knocks on wood for good luck.

He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".


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