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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4091 replies
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Sorry about the recurring joke, but......... Manchester United.
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A 10 year old Irish boy stood crying at the side of the road.
A man passed by and asked "whats wrong lad?"
The boy says " me Ma died this morning."
Oh bejaysus, the man says. "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replied " No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
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Heard in vietnamese bar:
-What dog barks?
-Undercooked.
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Wife: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No…
Wife- Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, i’d get married again…
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife…?
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Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, “Very quick”!
The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house.
LAWYER: “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?”
POLE: “It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar.”
LAWYER: Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: No, We have a carport and don’t need a grudge.
LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations live in Poland.”
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound.
LAWYER: “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I’m always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Why do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me!”
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got proof.”
LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say
“Polish Remover.”
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Quote ( Roy Mitchell @ September 22nd 2014,17:49:01 ) Wife: What would you do if i died? Would you get married again?
Husband: No…
Wife- Why not? Don’t you like being married?
Husband: Of course i do.
Wife: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
Husband: Ok, ok, i’d get married again…
Wife: Would you live in our house with your new Wife…?
Is this to be continued? The suspense is killing me. :D
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I can continue post 2644... if you like :)
Husband: Umm... Ummm No. Uh NO... I wouldn't live in this house with her. :)
Wife: Why? Don't you think our home is good enough? :(
Husband: Of course, I do think that!! \o/
Wife: Then, why would you buy her a new house? :/
Husband: But I.. I.. *takes a strong drink of whiskey* Darling, your not going to pass away. ;)
Wife: Then why have you already planned to move out after I die? :((
Husband: empties the bottle and bleary eyed looks at her.
Never mind, I think I'm ready kill myself..... first. :'/
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A little advice for the woman or wife in your life...
ALWAYS LOVE UR HUSBAND ...
Love your husband when he orders you to make tea or coffee because he wants to feel fresh to listen your nonstop talks...
Love him if he looks at all the beautiful females because he is just checking that you are still the best.
Love him if he criticizes your cooking because he is still improving his taste.
Love him if he snores at night and disturbs your sleep because he is trying to prove that he is the most relaxed
person after being married to you.
Love him if he forgets to give you a gift on your birthday because he is saving money for your future.
LOVE HIM.....
'COZ U DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ...
AND KILLING IS AN OFFENSE !!
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This is the way I heard it....
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: Silence -
HUSBAND: Oh shit ...
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OK for the science geeks that play I have one for ya
Here are your choices ...
1.Optimist
2.Pessimist
3. Realist
How do know what you are and how can you prove it ?
Me I am a true realist and will explain in another post after we see how some think!!
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I stayed up all night to see where the sun had gone, then suddenly it dawned on me.
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I wondered why the football kept getting bigger, then it hit me.
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Quote ( Barry Gregorick @ September 26th 2014,10:10:08 ) I stayed up all night to see where the sun had gone, then suddenly it dawned on me.
In a similarly groanworthy vane:
The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw.
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Two nuns walked into a bar. The third ducked.
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Honey!! Listen to this... they got's names fer things like that.
true fact: Dr. Patrick Malluci from the University College London Hospitals
The most perfect breast proportions can be calculated based on the location of the nipple, with 45% of breast tissue above the nipple meridian and 55% below. In other words, the ideal nipples point skywards at 20 degrees. When breasts meet these criteria they are being called “beckoning breasts.”
What da ya think they'd name your's dear? They points alright... 45 degrees away from each udder.
How about you farmer... what do YOU think they would be named? :)
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I've just had an argument about Bruce Willis retiring from action films; of course he won't because you know what they say about old habits...
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A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrased and whispered that he just recently been circumcised, and it was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office
he was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to class.
Suddenly there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
''i thought i told you to call your mom!!'' she said
''I did'', he said.
''And she told me that if I could stick it out till lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.''
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Here's one of my Grand-dad's favorites from way back when:
Q: When geese are flying, why is one side of the V longer than the other one?
A: Because its got more geese in it, dumbass.
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The UK Government have announced from the 1st October 2014 motorists are no longer required to display a tax disc in their vehicles.
A spokesman for motorists groups in Liverpool said : "This is nothing new, we started the trend in 1956"
__________________________________________________________________
A guy is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget.
Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn't get uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the midget, "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised-and flattered-the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.
"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."
Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request.
The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump..!"
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Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!" :D
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Q:What do 70 year old boobs taste like?
A: Depends
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3 people have sex - threesome
4 people have sex - foursome
Now you know why they call you handsome.
;)
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The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
The husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
"Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you've had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they're too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because apparently I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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This year's Nobel price for chemistry was won by Stefan W. Hell.
I wonder how the audience reacted when the announcement was made: "And the Nobel prize goes to Hell!"
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Why every castle in Scotland has a ghost?
Is less expensive than an alarm system.
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Why Condoms Come In Boxes Of 3, 6, And 12…
A man walks into a chemist shop with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
"What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son.
Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks,
"Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys,
one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for university students," the dad answers,
TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men… One for January, one for February, one For March......."
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life is nothing than a big joke
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