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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4091 replies
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CLEANERS.....
Some days ago, I came to know a a girl on the Internet. Beautiful...
After some chat, I felt that we had connected at a deeper level.
Yesterday, she asked me to visit her house and said, "My husband is on a business trip, and I'm alone at home."
I was very cautious and asked, "Will your husband suddenly come back?
She said, "No, but just in case he does, you just say that you are from XYZ and that your company sent you to clean the house. And then, clean the glass or something. Anyway, the Christmas festival is coming. My husband won't suspect a thing."
Fast forward, I was at her house. And what a big coincidence - Not even minutes in the house, her husband came back! And I hadn't even touched her hand yet...!
I had to be quiet and pretend to do the cleaning, wiping windows, cleaning the kitchen and the floor. And also tidy the bedrooms and wash the bathrooms. All the while, her husband and her was next to me giving all kinds of ridiculous instructions.
When I had finished and was about to leave, her husband asked, 'How much?"
Even before I could utter a word, she said, "I have already paid the company."
On the way home, I kept thinking about the whole saga. The more I thought about it, the more I felt DAMN cheated...
Cleaners are hard to find, beware of the new scam.....
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A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers
"Five beers please"
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the husband arrives home with some flowers to his wife.
Her comment: I guess I'll have to spread my legs for those flowers...
The husband asks: Why, don't you have a jar?
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(again, I used fictional names here, any similarity is purely coincidental)
After a big fight, Mick and Kirsty mutually decided to make a list of 5 people whom they're allowed to Sleep with if they ever got the opportunity.
Kirsty picked..
1. Brad Pitt,
2. Vladimir Alexandrov,
3. Chris Hemsworth,
4. Tom Cruise and
5. Shah Rukh Khan
Mick just picked..
1. her sister,
2. her cousin sister,
3. her best friend,
4. their philippino maid and
5. their grand son's tuition teacher.
Men are simple like that, they always set achievable goals :)
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A polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to do an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z'
'Can you read this?' asked the optician.
'Read it?' The Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
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A guy went to the supermarket to buy two bottles of whiskey.
He paid for them and he placed the bottles on his backpack.
When he was leaving the supermarket he thought to himself "On my way home i might trip and fall and the bottles might break" so in that moment he decided to drink the two bottles of whiskey right there.
At the end of the day he said that was the wisest decision he ever took, he fell seven times on his way home.
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Man at a studio having an expensive tattoo of an Indian warrior on his back.
Man says to tattooist; 'Don't forget to add the tomahawk like we agreed!'
Tattooist replies; 'Just be patient mate, I haven't finished colouring in his turban yet!'
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What do you get when you take 2 small balls in your hand and you start to squeeze it ?
A man's full cooperation !
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Why don't blind people bungee jump ?
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Because it scares the f*@k out of the dogs 😂
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What is the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
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The police car has the pricks on the inside 😆
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Bloke says to his missus
"Do you want to play the rape game ?"
She says "NO"
"That's the spirit " he says.
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Gypsy triathlon:
Run to the swimming pool and cycle back.
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Why is the laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?
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Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine, won't be able to support you 😆
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Little Johnny is in class & his teacher asks for examples of "The moral of the story".
Immediately Johnny puts up his hand.
Teacher knowing what kind of wide vocabulary Johnny has ignors him.
Yes Susie asks the teacher.
Well my dad is a farmer and last weekend we went to take the eggs to the market, but the truck hit a bump & the basket fell out. All the eggs were broken.
"Moral if the story " asks the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
Very good Susie.
Next was Lisa.
Again Johnny was ignored.
My dad is a chicken farmer. Last week we put 30 eggs in the incubator.
Only 3 hatched.
"Moral of the story " asks the teacher.
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch"
Very good.
"Who wants to go next", asks the teacher.
No one responds except little Johnny.
After a pause, the teacher finally points to Johnny.
My uncle Ted fought in Vietnam.
His plane was shot down over enemy territory.
When he jumped out he could only take with him a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete.
He drank the beer on the way down.
Landed in a group of 100 Vietnamese soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun then ran out of bullets.
So he killed another 20 with his machete, but the blade broke.
The last 10 he killed with his bare hands.
Horrified
The teacher asks
"What possible moral of the story is there Johnny? "
Well, Johnny replies,
"Don't f#@k with uncle Ted when he has been drinking "😆😆😆
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Little Johnny is in the back yard, playing with the little girl from across the road.
Next minute, he runs inside the house to the kitchen and asks his mother.
"Can little girls have babies? "
"Of course not Johnny, don't be silly " says his mum.
"OK"
& Johnny runs back outside to play.
A moment later his mum hears him say,
"It is OK, we can still keep playing "
😁😁😁
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Teacher is teaching a Grade 2 class, & decides to try something a bit different.
"Good morning boys & girls. Today we are going to discuss things that you may hear around your home. Now who wants to go first ?"
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Pause
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Still no one responds
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"C'mon boys and girls, someone start us off. Billy come up here to the front"
Don't you just love the way teachers pick on the shy kid in the back row 😆
So reluctantly Billy slowly walks to the front of the class.
"Now boys and girls we all no Billy lives on a farm. There must be lots of noises that Billy hears. So c'mon Billy tell us what you hear around the farm"
Reluctantly Billy raises his head, cups his hands around his mouth and yells
"BILLY GET OFF THE F#@KIN TRACTOR "
😄😄😄
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How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them..
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The Fly and Cat
There was a fly flying 6 inches above a lake. A fish in the lake thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches I'd get it !"
A bear on land thinks, "If that fly dropped 6 inches, the fish would jump out of the water, and I'd get it !"
A hunter nearby thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear will go to get the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."
A mouse watching thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, and I’ll steal the cheese off his sandwich !"
A cat in hiding thinks, "If that fly drops 6 inches, the fish would jump, the bear would go to get the fish, the hunter will go to get the bear, the mouse will go get the cheese, and I'll get that mouse !!!"
Suddenly, it all happened: The fly dropped 6 inches, the fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the hunter's cheese, but the cat missed the mouse and fell in the water !
An in depth analysis of the above reveals that, "Every time a fly drops 6 inches, a pussy gets wet."
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News this week: There is a dwarf shortage
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Little Johnny is walking up the hill with his little red wagon saying;
"F#@k this, F#@k that"
The preist is walking home down the hill.
"Johnny " he says
"You shouldn't be swearing and cursing like that, god is all around you "
"Is he behind that tree?"
"Yes" says the preist
"Is he behind that fence?"
"Yes" says the preist
"Is he behind that bush over there?"
"Yes" says the preist
"Is he in my little red wagon ?"
"Yes" says the preist
"Well tell him to get the f#@k out and push !!!"
😄😄😄
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Quote ( David Goy @ March 22nd 2019,18:58:56 ) How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them..
Bloody Classic 😆😆😆😆
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What is more fun than swinging a baby round and round on a clothes line ?
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Stopping it with a shovel 😅
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The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."
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Quote ( Martynas Bražėnas @ March 23rd 2019,00:10:25 ) The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet.
Was the nurse hot?
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Bloke goes out hunting, & shoots himself a dear. So he takes it home to cook it.
His young daughter asks:
"What is it daddy "
"Well" he says "it is something that mommy sometimes calls daddy "
"DON'T EAT THAT DADDY" screams the little girl.
"IT'S AN ASSHOLE "
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There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor found out about it, so the next morning he walked in and said, “Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?”
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
“Wait, ladies,” cried the professor, “The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!”
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Man comes home and asks the woman "what you would do if I win the lottery?"
Woman replies: "because we are married I take half of the victory and then leave you"
Man responds with joy, "I won 20 euros", giving the tenth to her: "half is yours and start packing the suitcases"
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Little Johnny catches out his parents shagging and asks,
"What are you doing dad"
"Oh, I am just filling your mother's tank" his dad replys.
"Well "
Says Johnny
"I think you should look for a more economical model. The milkman filled her up this morning "
😁😁😁
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How will my brain react after several decades of stress, alcohol and drugs abuse?
I will probably have a mental disease like Alzheimer or Parkinson...
My choice: Parkinson
Why? because I rather spill half of my wine than forget where did I put my glass
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