| Author |
Topic: The Joke Thread |
4084 replies
|
|
|
Anti - Tetanus shot
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behavior, asks, "And where do you think you are going?"
He replies, "I'm off to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Hearing this the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she then slowly goes to the cupboard and starts to put on her coat.
The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He says, "And where on earth do you think you are going?
“Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?"
She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!
|
|
|
|
Last night my GF wanted to teach me what 69ing is.
So I lied down on the floor and she squated down over my face to assume the position and farted. Embarrassed she stood up and apologised. She squated down for another go but farted again, she got up and apologised again.
Before she could have a third go, I got up and excused myself saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
|
|
|
|
Quote Quote ( Nick Beuerlein @ March 20th 2008,03:26:42 ) post the funniest joke you can find.
THE FIVE SECONDS
|
|
|
|
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?
Jimmy replied (crying), "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'Ima eat that pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
|
|
|
|
Boob(o)gram and Bum
A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look. What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the boobs of an 18 year-old"..
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
|
|
|
|
A simple tongue twister for a change of pace.....
IRISH WRISTWATCH.
|
|
|
|
Who did 9/11?
It was Boddypen
|
|
|
|
Ok, The boss of an American accounting agency was looking over one of his employees work and noticed something wrong, he looked at the young man and said " there are simple addition and subtraction mistakes here, where the hell were you educated?" The fellow replied "Yale" . "Oh" the boss remarks thinking the mistake must be elsewhere, "what's your name again?" the boss asks, " Yim Yohnson" the young man answers....
|
|
|
|
WINDOW GLASS REPLACEMENT.
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS
> Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
> Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
>
> Helloooo,............ just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year... that these windows would pay for themselves in a year.
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
:)
|
|
|
|
I went for a walk with a hot girl yesterday.
But she saw me so we went for a run.
|
|
|
|
Blind Jew walks into a tavern in 1933
Bartender says "get out"
Jew says "I did Nazi that coming"
|
|
|
|
Paddys wife was heavily pregnant and the midwife suggested due to the hot weather and the fact that she was like a barrage balloon she should be taken into Hyde Terrace maternity home.
Paddy went immediatley to the Eldon pub opposite the University. he was so worried about her he consumed four pints of Guiness very quickly.
The ambulance driver had suggested that he ring later to hear. if there was any news. Two more pinte of Guiness and when he phoned the Nurse told him his wife had had one baby boy and to phone again as it looked as though there could be more.
Paddy bought the whole Pub a drink.
Another hour later and by now he was quite drunk and when he phoned he misdialled and got the Headingley cricket ground where the Test Match was in progress.
He asked "Whats the score" person on other end of phone replied "There are four out already and the last one out was a duck"
Paddy collapsed on the floor.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Two friends meet one is heavily pregnant her friend asks have you had a check up .She replied no it was a Bradford lad.
Paddy went for an interview at the Bank and the manager asked him "If you had £65. in your Jacket pocket and £37. in your trouser pocket what would you have?
" Paddy answered very confidentally "Some one elses suit"
|
|
|
|
A cop pulls over a car with two priests.
The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.
“We’ll do it.”
|
|
|
|
|
Is the biggest aircraft disaster in the history of Copenhagen when a commercial airplane crashed into a cemetery.
During national news, the anchor says '' we still dont know how many people died in the disaster but so far the fire brigade has recovered over a thousand bodies''
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Great politician Boris Johnson
|
|
|
|
Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.
At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
|
|
|
|
I hope it's only footprints you found in the litter box. :)
|
|
|
|
Women playing golf and tees off, the ball flys off at speed and hit a young man stood by.
He collapses and when she runs over he is laid in the foetal position clutching his groin. After apologising and seeing how much pain he is in she explains that she used to be a nurse.
She loosens his trousers, slips her hand inside and very gently massages him. after about 10 mins. she asks it he feels any better.
He says Yes, but i still think my thumb is broken..
|
|
|
|
Murphy is on Who Wants to be a Millionaire..
Chris Tarrant says you have one question for a million pounds.
Which of theses birds does not build a nest an owl a blackbird a cuckoo or a thrush. Murphy says I will ring a friend.
So he rings Paddy and says which of theses birds does no build a nest,
an owl a blackbird a cuckoo or a thrush.
Paddy says a cuckoo.
Murphy says are you sure? Paddy says yes so Murphy says its a cuckoo,
Chris Tarrant says you have just won a million pounds.
When Murphy gets home he goes to see Paddy and says how did you know that answer ,
Paddy says every one knows a cuckoo lives in a clock.
|
|
|
|
|
|
The walk from my place to pub takes 5 minutes
The walk home takes 30 minutes
The difference is staggering!!!
|
|
|
|
Not a joke but a thought:
if womb is pronouced woom and tomb is pronouced toom, shouldn't Bomb be pronouced Boom.
And next is a joke.
One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”
“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”
|
|
|
|
An Irish couple on holiday in Florida are driving past a sign that says "You are now entering Kissimmee,"
The husband remarks that it is pronounced all in one syllable.
His wife disagrees and says "It is pronounced Kiss i mmee" They argue for a while and then stop for some lunch.
When the Waitress comes over and asks if she can take their order the Wife says "Yes, but first can you settle an argument,
How do you pronounce this place and Please say it slowly"
The waitress looks at them a little oddly and then says I guess by your accent that you are Irish, but anyway here goes... "Buurggeer Kiinngg"
|
|
|
|
A Welsh Sheep Farmer has a dog that Speaks..
Shepherd.' have you brought all the sheep down to the farm?'
Sheepdog 'yes'
Shepherd 'how many'
Sheepdog 'thirty'
Shepherd 'that's not possible we only have twenty nine sheep'
Sheepdog 'true, but you told me to round them up'
|
|
|
|
Little Johnny wandered into class late one day and apologised to his teacher by explaining that he had to take the family's bull to the cow.
Couldn't your father have done that?" His teacher asked.
"No Ma'am." Johnny replied. "It had to be the bull."
|
|
|
|
Paddy goes into B & Q DIY shop and asks for the best thing for cutting down trees
The Salesman sells him a chainsaw whilst saying This is the finest saw we sell and will certainly cut down at least six trees a day.
A few days later Paddy is back and tells the Salesman,
This saw is useless, I only manged to cut down One tree all day.
The Salesman is puzzled and looks it over, pulls the cord and it roars into life.
Paddy covers his ears and says What's all that Noise ?.
|
|
|
|
Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Why know would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?”
|
|
|
|
A man is sat in the club house when he is asked to make up a four for a round of golf.
They tee off, but on the 4th green he is just about to take a putt when a hearse goes past on the road next to the course.
He drops his putter and takes off his hat and lowers his head when it has passed he picks up his putter and takes the putt.
One of the men says that was very noble of you,
He replied I was married to her for forty years its the least I could do
|
|
Deutsch
Español
Română
Italiano
Português
Português
Français
Polski
Русский
Български
Македонски
Српски
Nederlands
Vlaams
Suomi
Lietuvių
Čeština
Magyar
Eesti keel
Slovenčina
Türkçe
Shqip
Ελληνικά
Hrvatski
Bahasa Melayu
Dansk
Pirate
