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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4084 replies
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A teacher was asking her students what they did last weekend.
Mary replied that she went to the beach with her family and built sand-castles.
"How wonderful!" replied the teacher.
Jenny said that she went to the movies with her family and then went out for tea afterwards.
"That must have been quite a day!" the teacher observed.
Johnny said that he went down to the local creek with his brother to catch frogs. "We stuck fire-crackers up their arses and blew them to the shithouse!" he said.
"Johnny!" the teacher said, horrified. "Rectum, Johnny. Rectum"
"Sure did, miss." Johnny replied.
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A Refuse bin man goes to a Chinese restaurant and says to the owner wheres your bin.
He says I bin to Hong Kong.
The bin man says no, wheres your wheelie bin?
He says I wheelie bin to Hong Kong.
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Paddy is in the canal a man says what are you doing in the canal,
Paddy says I got some tablets from the doctor and it says on the box take three times a day in water.
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Paddy was telling Murphy that he was going down to the dogs rescue centre and thinking of choosing a Labrador because of their gentle nature.
Murphy said "I wouldn't do that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind."
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Velcro? What a rip-off!
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A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
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Mic walks into his bedroom and sees Kirst packing a suitcase.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
She answers, “I’m moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later that night, on her way out, Kirst walks into the bedroom and sees Mic packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies,
“I’m coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year”.
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I was shopping with the missis the other day.
i picked up a crate of 24 cans of Stella Artois and was about to put in the trolley when she said, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“it’s on offer 24 cans for £10”, I replied.
”put them back we can’t afford it” was her answer, so I did.
A few aisles on and she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
”what are you doing, what’s that for?” I asked.
“ it’s face cream it makes me look beautiful” was her reply.
So I said “ so does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the price!!!!”
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I don't have a joke. I just have an Australian profile pic.
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A youth starts a new job at the local Costco store and his boss watches as he makes his first sale (a claw hammer). After the customer leaves, his boss explains the benefit of add-on selling. "You should have suggested a nail bag or offered to show him our range of nails. Watch me." he says to the youth.
The next customer comes in and orders some paint so the boss talks to him about the range of paint brushes they have in stock, the different types of masking tapes, drop-sheets and on he goes, selling an extra couple of hundred dollars worth of bits and pieces to go with the paint.
The youth thinks he has the right idea, so when a bloke comes in and asks for a packet of tampons, the youth suggests that he should also buy a lawn mower, a rake and a petrol can.
"Why would I buy those things?" the customer asks.
"Well," the youth says. "your weekend's stuffed, so you might as well mow the lawns!"
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A priest and a Nepalese monk were having toast for breakfast and sudddenly the priest says
"Look theres an image of Jesus in my margerine".
The monk says "I can't believe its not Budda"
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”
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Blew it in the pub quiz last night, got right up to the tie break question which was.
"Where do women have the curliest hair?"
apparently the correct answer is "Fiji"
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What did one hat say to the other?
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You stay here. I’ll go on a-head :p
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and the other 'felt' bad.
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went to the store and bought some condoms, went to the counter to pay and the clerk says 'do you want a bag?'
I said, 'no thanks, she's not that ugly'...
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Two cows were standing in a paddock.
One of them says "Moo!"
The other one says "Damn, I was just about to say that."
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Breaking News!!!!
A man addicted to break fluid.... says he can stop anytime he wants......
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What did Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k?
HDMI
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I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot
Just heard that in 2020 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol
I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.
Hope you smiled... :)
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Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forward,they'd still be on the boat! :P
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little african american boy, (indian) says to his father, "how did i get my name?""well"said his father, ïs the tradition of out tribe, when a baby is born, the father leaves the teepee and names the baby after the first sight he sees. hence your sister running deer, and brother storm cloud. but tell me two dogs farcking, why do you ask?"))
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Quote ( Andrew Jones @ January 4th 2020,05:19:26 ) little african american boy, (indian)
I'd say Native American Indian, wouldn't you :)
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You might be a redneck if. .
You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.
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man asks a priest at a mixed catholic school where he is thinking about sending his boy, starting secondary school, "tell me father, how do you segregate the sexes?" "well", the priest replies, "ïf you must know, we usually prise them apart with a crow bar" hehehheheh
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Q: How do you recognize a blonde at the airport?
A: She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell because she's got a grenade in her mouth
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I just met a woman outside of Kmart crying because she had lost $200.00 dollars.
So I gave her $40.00 from the $200.00 I had just found.
When God blesses you, you must bless others.
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Kate: “Darling, I really think it’s time we got another baby.”
William: “Oh I’m quite relieved you said that. The one we have is a real pain in the neck!”
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Best Knock Knock joke Ever!!
Three brothers aged 92, 94 & 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts a foot in and pauses. He yells downstairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see". He starts up the stairs and pauses, then yells. "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?".
The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having a coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful".
He knocks on wood for good luck.
He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".
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A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers.
One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.
So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my
condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
“It hasn't affected my brothers though."
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Dark humor but one I think Frankie Boyle would love if I didn't say it first...
"Harvey Weinstein has gone directly to the slammer, because he slammed her...."
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'Harvey Weinstein' the new Pork Association poster boy.
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