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Topic: The Joke Thread |
4091 replies
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I used to know the guy who did circumcisions.
The money wasn't great but he got to keep the tips.
Why does the French team keep scoring own goals?
Toulouse
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Quote ( Martynas Bražėnas @ November 28th 2022,22:28:39 ) I used to know the guy who did circumcisions.
The money wasn't great but he got to keep the tips.
What a rip off!
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Cutting edge technique. :)
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An academic from Oxford University is writing a paper on sheep shagging technique.
Having no personal experience on the subject, he decides to travel across the country and interview farmers from different regions to find out how they shag their sheep.
First, he visits a farmer in Scotland and asks him what his sheep shagging technique is.
“Well laddy, after grabbing the sheep, I stick its back legs in my welly boots and its front legs over a wall. That way, it can’t escape”.
Satisfied with this answer, the academic moves on to Cornwall and asks a farmer there how he shags his sheep.
“Well my lover, I grab any old sheep, ram its back legs into my welly boots and its front legs over a wall. That way, it can’t escape”.
Pleased to have found a consensus, the researcher travels to Wales and finds a farmer to interview.
“Well butt, I find a suitable sheep and then I put its back legs in my welly boots and its front legs over my shoulders. That way it can’t escape”.
“How interesting!”, exclaims the academic. “I thought you would put the sheep’s front legs over a wall”.
“What?!”, replies the incredulous Welshman. “And miss out on the snogging?”
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A car mechanic goes to the psychiatrist:
'Doc, I'm a mechanic I work for a racecar driver. It's utterly depressing... I get to fix his car up, maintain it, tune it to perfection. But never -not once- have I been allowed to take it for a spin.
It's crushing and depressing to think that such a wonderful thing is out there purring, but I'll never get to enjoy it....'
'Well sir, I think I understand just fine, my brother in law has the exact same problem.'
'Is he a mechanic too, doc?'
'No, a gynecologist'
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Why the word "dark" is spelled with a 'K' and not a 'C'?
Because you can't 'C' in the dark.
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Q: Who gives anonymous gifts at dog Christmas parties?
A: Secret Santa Paws
Q: Who gives anonymous gifts at feline Christmas parties?
A: Secret Santa Claws 🎅
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2 guys out hunting. One of them suddenly grasps his chest and falls to the floor.
The second pulls out his phone and dials for an ambulance.....
"Hello??? Help please..I am out hunting with my friend and he's collapsed.. I think he is dead...."
The operator replies..."OK OK...do not panic... First of all we need to make sure he is dead"
The line goes quiet and suddenly the operator hears a shot
"OK.. DONE THAT...WHAT NEXT?"
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An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for you if I put all three shots in one glass?"
The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."
The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.
The barman asks: "Did something happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no," replies the Irishman. "I just decided to quit drinking!"
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As the Russian army retreated from Ukraine, they captured a Ukrainian soldier and brought him to Moscow as a prisoner of war.
The Ukrainian soldier made a daring escape, stealing a Proryv-3 tank, but was mortally wounded in the process. Desperate, he went to a local funeral home and said, “I'll give you a Proryv-3 if you'll give me a proper funeral.”
The director instinctively asked, "What's a Proryv-3?"
The soldier said, “never mind," and moved along, realizing that the tank was of no value to the director.
Going to several other places, the soldier also got the same response: “What's a Proryv-3?”
Finally, he came to a huge complex with lots of tanks outside. He knocked on the door, and Vladimir Putin answered it.
“Sir, I'll give you a Proryv-3 if you'll give me a proper funeral,” he said.
Vladimir Putin replied, “What's a funeral?"
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Husband: "What do you want for Christmas?"
Wife: "A divorce!"
Husband: "Can you think of anything cheaper?"
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New Year's wishes for information services:
Happy new ear !
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This New Year I resolve to be less awesome...
Since that is really the only thing I do in excess.
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I gave everyone a book for Christmas this year
Just to let you all know .... they are due back at the library on the 17th January - try not to be late
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How does Darth Vader enjoy his Christmas Turkey? On the dark side!
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"I saw a job advertised for a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes removing ladies panties and prepare for waxing and rub oil in after waxing.
When I asked about the job they said I had to go to Cornwall. I said is that where the job is?
No they said, that's where the back of the f*****g queue is!!"
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Man walked into a bar one day.
Woke up in hospital the next.
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Whoever said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results has obviously never had to reboot a computer.
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Just been sacked from my new job
All I did was ask the customers if they wanted smoking or non smoking
Evidently the correct terms are cremation or burial
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A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
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Fred: Can you tell me about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist?
Ted: Brace yourself.
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An Irish boy stands crying his heart out at the side of the road.
A man asks him “what’s wrong sonny?”
The boy replies “me Ma is dead!”
“Oh Bejaysus!” The man says “I’m sorry to hear that, do you want me to call Father O’Reilly for you?”
The boy replies “ No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind at the minute!”
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My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice
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Allegedly a genuine sign at a golf club in Scotland
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet a shoulder's width apart
2. Keep a loose grip
3. Keep your head down
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water
6. Try not to hit anyone
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you
8. Do NOT stand directly in front of others
9. Quiet please - while others are preparing
10. Don't take extra strokes
Well Done...... Now flush, wash your hands, go outside and tee off
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Quote ( Keith Partridge @ January 10th 2023,19:51:15 ) Allegedly a genuine sign at a golf club in Scotland
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet a shoulder's width apart
2. Keep a loose grip
3. Keep your head down
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water
6. Try not to hit anyone
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you
8. Do NOT stand directly in front of others
9. Quiet please - while others are preparing
10. Don't take extra strokes
Well Done...... Now flush, wash your hands, go outside and tee off
We have this sign in one of the courses I play on :)
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Biblical Parenting Techniques:
Joseph: What should we do about Jesus acting up in school?
Mary: I don't know it's not like raising the Son of God came with Emmanuel
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Gina Carano is a real wife beater
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What’s the difference between an ass kisser and a brown noser?
Depth perception
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Husband: Why did you marry me??
Wife: Your sense of humor.
Husband: I thought is was because I'm goo in bed!
Wife: See what I mean? Your hilarious!!
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