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Topik: The Joke Thread |
4091 balasan
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Quote ( Sara Taylor @ March 20th 2008,19:21:49 )
why did the pie cross the road?
cause it was meat 'n' veg
Nice one! haha
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Quote ( Lukas Jonaitis @ March 20th 2008,18:29:14 )
Let's think something new.... :| Hmmzzz :?
Oh, I remembered some! :P
There are 3 things that you can watch all the time and don't get bored. It's - fire, water flowing and woman parking.
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Georgian man lets out his son to Moscow, to a business trip. And warns him : You better be careful with women in Moscow. Don't rush to f**k every women that you see, because you'll catch some virus, infect you wife, your wife will infect me, I'll infect your mother. And you know your mother... She'll infect all village.
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Inspector to a passanger
-Your ticker?
-My ticket
-Are you sick!?
-Are you doctor?
-Your ticket!
-My ticket
-Why do you repeat same s***, don't you know any other words!?
-I know : air-pump
-I'm INSPECTOR!!!!
-Nice to know that, and I'm plumber.
-Is everybody home?
-Wanna come in?
-Your TICKET!
-My ticket
-Are you hare!? (we call people that rides buses without tickets - hares)
-Are you wolf?
-Your TICKET!!!
-Why do you need it?
-I'll just look at it.
-So go and buy 1
-YOUR TICKET!!
-My ticket.. Oh and that's my station
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Son asks father :
-Father, who is president, government, security and nation?
Father says :
-Hm... Example. In our family I'm - President (I give orders to everyone and etc.), mom is government (goes everywhere, cleans everything and etc.), grandmother is security (sees everything, knows everything and hears everything), and you are - nation (we punch you every day and comfort you next day).
NEXT DAY
Son calls father who's working:
-Dad, dad, new president came in and now he's f****** government.. Security sleeps and nation sees everything but can't do anything!
LOL!
A waste of time and effort just reading it, but the animation was funny. :P
And do Lithuania only have 2 jokes? :o
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There were 4 of them just there.. :D
Lemme remember some others...
Court is going. New Russian man is divorcing his wife.
Wife :
-The kid is mine, I raise him.
New Russian man turns around to judge :
-Look... Now think... I throw my cash to a drinks machine and cola falls out, so who's that cola, mines or machine?
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2 friends are talking :
-Because what did your mother-in-law die?
-Oh.. She ate some strange fungus.
-And where are all of those wounds from?
-She didn't want to eat them by herself.
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I know karate, judo, tai-kwan-do, aikido and a lot more scary words
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#64 dikirim Mac 20 2008, 19:37:51 (terakhir disunting Mac 20 2008, 19:39:13 oleh Sara Taylor)
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How many GPRO managers does it takes to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
19 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
6 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
3 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
5 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
7 to flame the spell checkers
8 to correct spelling/grammar flames
8 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 8 to condemn those 8 as stupid
4 pros to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
25 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
14 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
23 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
27 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
8 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
3 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
7 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
22 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and add "LOLZ"
8 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
2 to say "already posted :"
18 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.
:-)
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That was very old 1, Sara. :)
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well yea all i did was change the first line
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Quote ( Heite Schaumann @ March 20th 2008,18:28:19 )
the last words of dodi al fayed before the car crashed ?i dont wanna die in this f***ing car, i want to f*** Di in this car !
Q: What is the smallest book in the world?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years German Humor!
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Your alter ego picture is the best joke, Sara xD
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Killing 1 :
A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex?
- Three times a week.
- I mean: male or female?
- Doesn''t matter...
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Quote ( Lukas Jonaitis @ March 20th 2008,19:57:29 )
Killing 1 :
A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex?
- Three times a week.
- I mean: male or female?
- Doesn''t matter...
HAHAha
really "Killing 1"
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Quote ( Lukas Jonaitis @ March 20th 2008,19:57:29 )
A discussion at an American airport, in the immigration office:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex?
- Three times a week.
- I mean: male or female?
- Doesn''t matter...
Damn, this one got me laughing like hell! XD
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Quote ( Jos Roestenberg @ March 20th 2008,19:44:21 )
Q: What is the smallest book in the world?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years German Humor!
Q: What's the second smallest?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years scottish(or dutch) works of generosity
Q: Third smallest?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years of belgian wise-man
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#75 dikirim Mac 20 2008, 22:06:21 (terakhir disunting Mac 20 2008, 22:06:59 oleh Jim Spence)
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Sebut
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Quote ( Marco Van Bockel @ March 20th 2008,20:09:17 )
Q: What's the second smallest?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years scottish(or dutch) works of generosity
HEY!
:-S
ahh you added Dutch! ;-)
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I really hope that no one will find it offensive
I know it ridiculously long
A top mafia kingpin from New York City was looking for one assassin. He told his top assistant to find the best killers in all of the country.
He went back to his boss and said, “I have found three men that are all highly qualified to be a great assassin.” His boss was excited about his find and wanted to interview all 3 of the men. After inquiring a little bit more information about the 3, he found out that all of them were married, and that one was even from New York City. The others were from Los Angeles and Southeast Georgia.
He told his assistant to get all 3 men along with their wife’s, so they can be interviewed.
With all 3 couples now in New York, he preceded with the interview.
He asked his assistant to bring the couple from Los Angeles to him first. He wanted his wife to be put right next to where the interview was taking place, in a room alone. The boss started with his questioning…. “Have you ever killed anyone before?” The guy from LA replied, “Sir, I have killed many of men, I have even killed men with my bare hands. I have been a member of the largest gang in New York sense I was a child, and we have no problems killing.” The Boss said, “Sense you don’t have a problem killing people, then take my gun, go into the room with your wife, and shoot her.” He grabs the gun from the mob boss, proceeds into the room where his wife is, and closes the door behind him… About 3 minutes go by and nothing is happening. The mafia boss then walks into the room, he finds the man crying at his wife’s side. He says, “You are not what I am looking for” and takes the gun away, and shouts, “Go back home to LA before I shoot you myself!” The man takes his wife by the hand, and they exit the building.
He told his assistant “Get the guy from New York and put his wife in the same room the other woman was in.” The mafia boss proceeded with the interview, “Have you ever killed anyone before?” The guy from New York replied, “I kill people all the time. I am also an expert marksman, I can shoot people from any rooftop in the city… and I have.” The boss said, “Well you seem like you know what you’re doing, so I have a task for you. I want you to go into that room and shoot your wife.” The guy gets up, takes the gun from the boss, and proceeds into the room with his wife…. In less than a minute, the guy returns with the gun, and explains to the boss, “I can’t shoot my wife… I have kids, and she has been good to me for years.” The boss snatches the gun from the man and tells him and his wife, “Get out of my office, and if I ever see you around town I will shoot you myself.” The couple ran out the door.
Getting frustrated, he screams at his assistant, and ask for the man and wife from Southeast Georgia to come in. The assistant takes the man’s wife to the same room that the other women were in. The boss starts by asking the same question, “Have you ever killed anyone before?” The man from southeast Georgia replied, “Well sir, let me put it to you like this,”…. with a long southern drawl… “I will do whatever the job requires me to do. Anything you need done, I am the man for the job.” The boss responded by saying, “You seem like a trustworthy man, I believe I do have a job for you. I want you to take this gun, and go into that room, and shoot your wife.” He takes the gun, without hesitation, walks into the room and closes the door. Within 5 seconds all you could hear is very loud banging from chairs and lamps being broken. It sounded is if there was a huge fight going on…. The boss gets up, runs to the room, opens the door… the man turns to the boss and says, “I couldn’t figure out why there were no bullets in this gun, I had to beat her to death with a chair.”
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Quote ( Marco Van Bockel @ March 20th 2008,20:09:17 )
Q: Third smallest?
A: Complete Collection Of 1000 Years of belgian wise-man
And if it existed, you Dutchmen would be to stingy to buy it... :)
Did you guys know how Heineken is made?
A horse drinks Belgian beer and what comes back out, is Heineken!
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A man goes to the doctors and says doc, when me and my wife get im bed, I go 2 minutes and its all over. The doctor says before you go home to your wife, squeeze one out (you know what I mean) then when you and your wife go at it you will last longer. The man drives and tractor trailer truck and thought about doing it there but thought someone would see. So he stops at a rest area but it was public and felt weird. Finally he decided to climb under his truck where nobody would see him and do it there. So he closed his eyes and pictured his wife. A minute later a vehicle pulls up but he left his eyes closed so he wouldnt lose concentration. The man says, my name is Officer Jakes, can I ask what your doing. Still leaving his eyes closed he says, "Im just checking my axel." The officer says, while your under there you should check your brakes, because your truck rolled away 5 minutes ago.
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i've actually read the whole thing of that before...
tbh its not a bad joke :P i made me smile, but i'm easily pleased lol xD
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When's your driver too fat ?
* if he stands on the scales and it says "one at a time"
* if he falls in the Grand Canyon and gets stuck
* if he puts on a yellow raincoat, people start shouting TAXI !
* if he sits on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turns into a gameboy
* if he falls into the ocean, the whales start singing "We are family"
* if he could be the eighth continent
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Heather Mills has decided to spend her divorce money from Paul Macartney on a plane. But she says she will still use Immac on the other leg.
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Some great oneliners :
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
After rain comes raining. Just check the dictionary.
As long as my boss thinks I'm earning a lot, I'll pretend to be working hard.
Betting is a bad thing to do. Wanna bet ?
Cycling is healthy. Eat more bike !
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get to escape alive.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 for help.
Ever noticed the top performance of Windows? Neither did I.
Everyone has a photographic memory. But not all of us remember to place a film.
Everyone has the right to have my own opinion.
Experience is the archive of our stupidities.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Further investigation has shown that more investigation is needed.
Generally, I don't like generalizations.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I am a Genius, ... with capital J !
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am very modest. In fact I'm the most modest guy of all !
I'm nobody... but hey : nobody is perfect !
I'm not talking too fast, you're just listening too slowly.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I would have liked a chance to prove that money doesn't make you happy.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Insanity is hereditary, you get if from your children.
Learn from the mistakes others are making. You won't have the time to make them all by yourself.
Looking at your face, I'm suddenly proud of my butt !
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Microsoft logic : pushing the start button to shut down.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My drinking team has a soccer problem.
Observing stops where judgement begins.
One day you'll meet the women of your life, but by then you're already married.
Reality is an illusion caused by the lack of alcohol.
Relax ... , and hurry up !
Smoke Coke, the only toothpaste showing the right time at any hour !
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The ideal husband is he who understands what his wife isn't saying.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are many theories to arguing with women. Best one is stop trying and have a beer with your mates.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
"Watch out", shouted the orange, "they have press freedom in this country."
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
"What goes up, must come down. Except for my weight." the sumo wrestler was thinking.
What happens if twice you get scared half to death?
What's the speed of dark?
Whe nevver make miztakes !
When did I realise I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly I realised that I was talking to myself.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Without fools there would be no wisdom.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can fall from a mountain, you can fall from a tree but the best way to fall is in love with me !
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, and then used against you.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Some winner-loser oneliners :
- A winner is a loser that never quits.
- A quitter never wins and a winner never quits.
- Every winner has scars.
- If it doesn't matter who wins or loses, then why do they keep score ?
- If you don't see yourself as a winner, you can't perform as a winner.
- A winner makes commitment. A loser makes promises.
- The winner is the chef who takes the same ingredients as everyone else and produces the best results.
- If you're happy as a loser you'll always be a loser.
- Second place is first loser.
- Sometimes it is better to lose and do the right thing than to win and do the wrong thing.
- It is always advisable to be a loser if you cannot become a winner.
- If you don't succeed in being first, find out if the loser gets anything.
- You weren't born a winner, and you weren't born a loser. You are what you make yourself to be.
- Nobody is born a winner or loser, however, everyone is born a chooser.
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Haha, nice jokes there, Gunter.
I also like if the driver is too fat jokes, classic. :P
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Quote ( Gunter Bosman @ March 21st 2008,00:55:12 )
When's your driver too fat ?
* if he stands on the scales and it says "one at a time"
* if he falls in the Grand Canyon and gets stuck
* if he puts on a yellow raincoat, people start shouting TAXI !
* if he sits on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turns into a gameboy
* if he falls into the ocean, the whales start singing "We are family"
* if he could be the eighth continent
If you're driver is at the beach sunbathing and greenpeace guys start pushing him back to sea?
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A German, Dutchman and Belgian, all construction workers, are having lunch on the 20th floor of the building they are working.
The German, opens his lunch box, sees the same sausages as allways and says: 'If I have the same tomorrow, I will throw myself from this building.' The Dutchman, after he realize the is only cheese, as allways, on his sandwishes, says 'I will follow you.'. The Belgian, after ealizing his lynch too is the same as allways, says 'Me too'.
The next day, they have the same lunch as allways, so one after the other jumps down and is killed.
After the funeral, the wifes meet. The German wife, 'If only he told me he wanted something else for lunch, I would have made it for him'. The Dutch wife, 'Me too, I thought he loved cheese, that's why I made it for him'.
The Belgian wife, 'I don't understand, he allways made his own lunch'.
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British humour is funny - In it's own way! =D
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Quote ( Dean Jennings @ March 21st 2008,13:48:21 )
British humour is funny - In it's own way! =D
Yeah ... but sometimes i don't get it actually ... but when i do i find it really nice :) And that's the problem sometimes it's really hard to understand it .... you should work about that guys :)
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This joke is a original finnish joke about Swedish people...(don't take it personally)
A Swedish military helicopter were crashed and the researchers were listening the recording of the piltos conversation. Finally they found the reason: The other pilot had said "Turn off that stupid ventilator!" ;P
Hope you understood, sry if my english isn't correct
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Is it saying Swedish people are stupid? if not i don't understand.
Quote ( Jos Roestenberg @ March 21st 2008,13:08:11 )
A German, Dutchman and Belgian, all construction workers, are having lunch on the 20th floor of the building they are working.
The German, opens his lunch box, sees the same sausages as allways and says: 'If I have the same tomorrow, I will throw myself from this building.' The Dutchman, after he realize the is only cheese, as allways, on his sandwishes, says 'I will follow you.'. The Belgian, after ealizing his lynch too is the same as allways, says 'Me too'.
The next day, they have the same lunch as allways, so one after the other jumps down and is killed.
After the funeral, the wifes meet. The German wife, 'If only he told me he wanted something else for lunch, I would have made it for him'. The Dutch wife, 'Me too, I thought he loved cheese, that's why I made it for him'.
The Belgian wife, 'I don't understand, he allways made his own lunch'.
Sinister but like it ;)
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