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Topik: The Joke Thread |
4091 balasan
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COVID-19
Never in my entire life, would I have imagined my hands would consume more alcohol, than my mouth
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off, go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
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A vicar new to the area visited a little old lady who owned a pet parrot. He noticed that the bird had a ribbon tied to each leg.
"What are the ribbons for ?",he enquired,
"If I pull the left ribbon,he sings "Clementine",and if I pull the right ribbon,he sings "Yankee Doodle Dandy " said the old lady
And what happens if you pull both ribbons at the same time?? "asked the vicar,
"I fall off the f***ing perch "said the parrot .!!!!
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Another COVID - 19 one
Some exchange between Husband and Wife
Husband - Do you listen, Where are you ..?
Wife - In Your Heart…!
Husband - I have Explained how many times, don't go to a crowded place ...?
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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:
“All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
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What did the baby corn said to mother corn?
Where is popcorn
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How rich are garbagemen?
Filthy
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Did you hear abut the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but no atmosphere
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Why did the crowd never share
Because they sellfish
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During the COVID-19 isolation, I have found that I have been happier, since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice.
My Doctor explained that it is the Vitamin C, & natural sugars.
But, I really think it is the Vodka.
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An Englishman,an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar...
Those were the days...
Just got back from the doctor.. He told me I have a rare incurable condition that makes me think I am being constantly lied to..
I couldn't believe what he was saying
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4yr old boy: Dad, I have decided to get married!!
Dad: Wonderful, do you have a girl in mind?
Boy: Yes..Grandma! She said she loves me, I love her,too..and she is the best cook & story teller in the whole world!!
Dad: That's nice, but we have a small problem there!!
Boy What problem??
Dad: She happens to be my mother, how can you marry my mother!!
Boy: Why not, you married mine!!!
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What's the difference between cholesterol and fat?
You don't wake up in the morning with a cholesterol.
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COVID 19
What do you call a hangover during lockdown?
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A Huge privilege.
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What is the difference between Wuhan and Vegas??
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What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas 😎
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What is an inside joke about a gun that gun owners usually laugh at?
My favorite was about the Microsoft tech support guy who joined the Army.
He’s on the rifle range, and after he fires a full magazine, his target is still virgin.
He looks at the target, looks at his rifle and reloads. Then he puts his finger over the muzzle and fires, blowing his fingertip off.
He turns to the drill sergeant and says, “It works fine here; the problem must be on their end.”
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Two blondes were roofing a house. One would pull out a nail and then hammer it into the roof. Then he would pull out another nail, look at it, then throw it over his shoulder. Blonde two eventually saw what blonde one was doing, watched him a while and then said, "Why do you keep throwing out every other nail?"
The first blonde replied, "Because their point is on the wrong end."
The second blonde then said, "You airhead, those nails are for the other side of the roof!"
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Guess when all this is over, we will stay home anyway.
We just won't fit the door...
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My neighbour with HUGE breasts, keeps coming out onto their balcony topless, drinking coffee.
I just wish his wife would do the same thing :)
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My wife just looked at me and said “You weren’t even listening, were you?”
I thought to myself, “That’s a strange way to start a conversation”
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If you think things are bad now with COVID-19.
Consider this;
In 20 to 30 years time, our countries will be run by those children, that are currently being home schooled by alcoholics.
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Google request:
How to disable auto-correct in wife?
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
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Just as I pulled out of the car park today this kid on a moped pulled straight out of a side road in front of me
"F***ing tw@t" I shouted
Google Assist replied "Playing Kanye West"
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A magician had a job on a popular cruise ship.
His audience changed often enough that he didn’t need to learn any new tricks.
However, one member of the audience never changed. This was the captain’s parrot. Night after night, year after year, the parrot watched the magician eventually figured out the magicians tricks.
Then he began giving the tricks away to the audience. For example, when the magician made some flowers disappear, the parrot said, “Behind his back, bawk, Behind his back.”
Then one day, the boat crashed. The magician grabbed onto a piece of wood. The parrot then floated onto the other end of the board.
For three days, neither of them talked. Then one day, the parrot said, “Ok, I give up. Where did you put the boat?”
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Just read this and thought some of the GPRO community would appreciate:
In Helsinki they have been informing people about the rules of social distancing. The response of the citizens has been "We have to stay 2 metres apart? Why so close?!"
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Whatever you do in life, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS give 100%
... except when donating blood....
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What do you call a magician who's lost his magic??
"Ian"
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
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A hippo is quite heavy and a zippo is a little lighter.
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